How LONG is October?

Personally, I'm a fan of October. On October the First, I can start using my impending birthday as an excuse to either do or not do stuff. Clean out the car? What? It's my birthday month. Grocery shopping, dinner making, toilet cleaning? What? Not in October. New jeans? It's my birthday month. That's cute & it's my birthday month. Out to lunch? Out to dinner? Cheesecake for no reason? Did I mention new clothes? I'll say 'yes' because well.... it's my birthday month.

We can start wearing jeans, sweaters and boots in October. Leaves change. Breezes blow. It might rain a little. Little gremlins start trying to decide what to be for Halloween. Bigger gremlins start planning, too. Homecoming. Football. Soccer. If we are lucky, we see less clothing in neon and pastel and more clothing in navy, black, green and brown.

Other people that are awesome were born in October. John Lennon. Sting. Gandhi. e.e. cummings. John Adams. John Keats. Eleanor Roosevelt. Nate Baker. Quincy.

What's not to love about October?

Here's what I have heard about October from the teens. Repeatedly. OCTOBER IS THE LONGEST MONTH OF SCHOOL. No breaks. Not even Columbus Day anymore. Just as the reality of the school year sinks in, October hits. Sometimes I feel sorry for them. And as the text tattling and complaining flies, I feel a little sorry for myself.

It's cool, though. I can justify buying a new sweater when I feel sorry for myself in October. Because...well.... it's my birthday.

How Zero Tolerance Came to My House

Once upon a time, we were foster parents. At one point, with one of our foster kids, zero tolerance came to our house. The story is very similar to the one that is currently in the news about the boys in Virginia Beach. 
Apparently, in Virginia Beach, the boys were shooting an air soft gun at a target on private property. 70 yards from a bus stop, the boys reportedly were shooting tiny plastic balls out of plastic guns towards a target. As normally happens with middle school boys, the plastic balls hit each other, too. Although the boys were not supposed to have the guns out while Mom wasn't home, the guns came out before they went to school. In the midst of the playing, one of the boys' Mom called 911. She was "uncomfortable" with them holding guns. When the bus came, (SEVENTY yards away. That's almost an entire football field, think about that. It's 210 feet.) the boys put down the guns and got on the bus. Later they were accused of violating the school's weapon policy and have been suspended for the remainder of the school year. The REMAINDER of the school year. It's September 24th. The Mom on whose property this occurred said this of her son & his relationship with the school- 
"My son is my private property," she said. "He does not become the school's property until he goes to the bus stop, gets on the bus, and goes to school."

The school district disagrees. A good recitation of the story is here - http://www.wavy.com/news/local/va-beach/has-zero-tolerance-gone-too-far

Before I tell our story, let me just say to the Mom that called 911 - WHAT IN THE HELL? Why did you call 911? You knew that the guns were toys and you were not in fear of your life. Your own kid was playing with the other boys, yet you called 911 instead of going outside and saying "hey, knuckleheads, knock it off" or "hey, johnny, quit playing with your friends and go to the bus stop" or I don't know, anything, other than calling as though it was an emergency situation. You should get charged for using emergency services for a non-emergency. After that, you should be given parenting lessons so that you can go outside and tell your own kid to quit doing something stupid rather than calling the police and involving the school district. Also, to the other 911 caller - if you thought it was a real gun, I guess I see your point. If you didn't notice the orange tip, I guess I get it. Maybe it's a rough neighborhood. 

Speaking of rough neighborhoods.... I had a sibling group of foster kids who were high school and middle school aged kids. They came from a rough neighborhood and, if it's not obvious from their foster care placement, a rough family. Of all of the kids we had over the almost decade of doing foster care, this particular group came from one of the worst situations that I'd ever seen. When they first came, one of them said "it's so quiet here". I asked them what they were used to hearing, naively expecting a comment on the lack of car sounds or people or light rail. "There's no gunshots. Or sirens. There's never sirens." That horrifying statement was followed up with "how do you keep people out of your house? there's no bars on the windows." These kids knew the difference between a real gun and an air soft gun. 

The boy was in 7th grade, I think. It might have been 6th, but I think 7th. He was as nice a kid as his circumstances would allow. He did have an air soft pistol on a school bus and he might have known better. I still dispute that he knew better. He hadn't been out of his former life long enough, I don't think. We were called into the school and then to a school board meeting regarding the Incident. Social workers were called. Counselors were visited. We were not arguing the fact that he did something wrong. It was wrong and dangerous and stupid. We had been very clear with him about that. Our problem was with what the consequences of his stupidity were going to be. He was to be expelled from the school district. He would be unable to enroll in any local public school until the terms of his punishment were met. The only place for him to go was to an Alternative School. In our area, there was no designated middle school class for the Alternative School. He would go with the expelled high school kids. 

I pleaded with the school district to come up with another answer. I literally begged. Social workers wrote letters. Counselors. I sat at that school board meeting and begged them to be logical and think about the long term results of their decision. Instead of being in an environment that was better than where he'd been before, he would spend every day, all day, with the kids who had been expelled from high school. Those kids were practically grown and though still from a small town, had been expelled for real reasons. Drugs. Actual weapons. Criminal charges. To be clear, this was not the same as the continuation high school for those who need a little extra help or structure or who have babies or want to graduate early or whatever. Why would these grown ups want to subject a 12 year old with no other behavioral problems in evidence to that? What would the outcome be? Is there any way to argue that any behavioral issues would, in fact, be made worse? 

I understand the idea behind zero tolerance but I cannot understand how it is better to not take into account individual situations. I'm sorry you're overworked and underpaid, trite though the saying may be. I don't want to be a middle school teacher or administrator. I think it sounds horrifyingly hard. So, please, don't misunderstand. I can empathize with how hard your jobs are. But can we please apply logic? Expelling kids from school for the duration of a school year for "possession of a firearm" when the firearm does not involve any actual fire is not logical. The odds of those boys becoming worse behavioral problems following this incident are enormous. Not only will they be sent to the special school, their files permanently noting the Firearm charge, they also now have a totally different view of grown ups. If they thought we were stupid before, imagine what they think now. If they distrusted adults and people in positions of authority before, what must they feel now? Do you think they wonder why the school is policing their front yard? Why they weren't safe to behave or misbehave at home? Do they think that the punishment fits the crime and makes sense? Will they be able to extrapolate the unfairness to the broader justice system, authority and society? When they do extrapolate, after they've hung out with the kids at the alternative school for a year, what will the outcome be for them as members of a broader society? The issue of the school getting involved in something that happened at home is one issue that should be dealt with and we should all be concerned. But, more generally, will this application of zero tolerance make those kids better people - or worse? 

In my situation, I didn't have an argument. He was on a school bus and the Policy was the Policy. Period. It didn't matter that he came from a situation that I doubt anyone on that school board could understand. It didn't matter that he had only been out of that situation for a couple of months. It didn't matter that no one got hurt and that he certainly didn't mean for anyone to get hurt or scared. It didn't matter that it wasn't a real gun. They were Unable to Make Any Exceptions. And so this poor, scared boy was going to be sent to hang out every day with almost grown up, actual criminals. I chose to homeschool him. Not every child has that chance but I hope that the parents of those kids in Virginia Beach make the same choice that I did. I also hope that there is a lawyer in VA that can take their case and argue that the kids were not at school, on the bus or at the bus stop. But I know from experience that logic doesn't come into play in Zero Tolerance situations. Only Policy is on the table - as though 12 & 13 year old boys even understand what those lawyered up paragraphs in the edcode mean.  

Underwear is meant to be worn UNDER

I left my house today and ventured to the wonderful world of Walmart. It is not possible to go to Walmart & not be annoyed by someone. At least, it's not possible for me. My personal favorites include standing obliviously in an aisle not letting anyone pass, letting children run screaming around as though they're at Six Flags, staring at the case of milk for 30 minutes deciding what to get out of it while I stand waiting to get the six gallons of milk which I can grab in 20 seconds, standing behind me in the check out line and huffing and puffing annoyance because I have so much stuff so it takes forever and yelling at the cashiers for pretty much any reason. I also dislike people who use their own bags if they have more than 20 items because it takes 20 times longer to get out of my way.

The other day I was behind someone with coupons. Even better, she had coupons, her own bags and a misbehaving child. She kept asking the cashier if he had removed this coupon or that coupon. "Did you get the Suddenly Salad coupon?" "What about the Lucky Charms coupon?" "Did I give you the coupon for the shampoo?" About 10 times, the cashier patiently explained that every time she handed him a coupon, he ran it across the scanner thing and it automatically deducts the amount if she purchased the item. Suddenly -sorry- the Suddenly Salad was missing. How could the coupon be used if the Suddenly Salad hadn't been purchased? They commenced rummaging through all of the bags to see whether or not the 25 cents off coupon was used or not. I would have given her 25 cents. I would have paid her 5 bucks to notice that her small child was partially out of the cart hanging onto the post that holds the mop and bucket trying to climb it or something. *sigh*

My personal peeve is walking around the store while your baby screams its head off in a car seat. My kids have screamed their heads off. They always screamed in car seats. That is why I did not take them into the store in their Car Seat. I also would remove them from the stroller or cart or whatever it was that was causing them to Scream. If that didn't work, I would either hurry or leave, depending on if I needed milk or wanted nail polish. I just think it's mean. It's mean to the baby & it's mean to me, your fellow customer. I should be more understanding, I'm sure, but I'm not.

There's lots of people wearing all kinds of good stuff at Walmart. (and everywhere) Pajamas and slippers. Bathing suits. Tank tops that don't really cover much up. Today's Look of the Day was a slip dress that wasn't a dress. How do I know that it wasn't a dress? Because I recognize a nightgown when I see one. This one was a light pastel color and was completely see through. I could see underwear. Which worn under night wear doesn't really count as underwear anyway, does it? Aren't they kind of the same? Clothes that aren't meant to be seen in public? I was treated to a full view of both her bra and the lines of her black thong. 

Why do I have to see the lines of your black thong? I don't want to. I don't want to see anyone's black thong. Not the Walmart chick today and not the soccer Mom from Kaleb's tournament. Please stop.

On a brighter note, the cashier today was completely understanding of my system. She may have been more OCD than me about what goes it what bag. Awesome. She also made fun of the People of Walmart. Awesome. I told her that the best thing I've ever seen at a grocery store was a woman spitting her chewing tobacco down the front of her dress, right between her boobs. The cashier today first choked and said "HER chewing tobacco?!" She then proceeded to laugh until she had tears and thanked me for the laugh. It's a good story, I agree. I just wish I hadn't seen it. GROSS.

I guess today's see through "dress" was better than the day that the teenage boy in front of me was fondling his junk (hands down his pants) while we all waited in line together. I could have done without that, too. 

In Laws - What's the Deal?

As usual, this has been ricocheting around my brain for awhile. I figured while I'm sitting here feeling useless, I'll put it on paper. Or whatever this is.
First of all, we didn't have in law fighting when I was growing up. My Dad's parents were sailing around the world & otherwise adventuring. So holidays were a pretty done deal. No going to this house & then that house & worrying about how long we spent with who or which grandparents gave us which presents. (Like my Mom would have tolerated that anyway. We would have been smacked upside our heads.) Even if my Dad's parents were around (or when), we would have all just been together anyway because my Dad's parents & my Mom's parents were friends from Way Back. (Pretty sure 3 out of the 4 are partying it up in Heaven right now.) Both of my Grandma's would have given you the shirt off of their back. Literally. And I'm thinking that they did a million times over their lives. They also would just invite you in, open up another can of whatever to make dinner serve more people and expect everyone to join in the merriness.  I think my point is, I have no example of In Law Hating. (Or general people hating.)
I've been married for a Really Long Time. I think I'll just go with over 20 years. (Old, old, old....) My In Laws live far away. That makes for some pretty peaceful interactions, really. But that's not the reason that I don't hate them. There's time when I wonder What the Heck?! some of them were thinking and they live a completely different life style than we do. So freaking what? Here are the important things about my In Laws (through my marriage).
1) They love my husband and took care of him while he was growing up.
2) They love my kids.
3) They welcome us all with open arms and hearts when we visit.
4) They would totally have our backs at any point if we needed them to.
5) They genuinely find joy in my kids.

Is there something else that they're supposed to do? I've felt welcome in that family since I was 16. I'm pretty sure that I have a nickname that they won't disclose. (They give every one nicknames- some good & some bad. They say I don't have one.) I have cried for their pain & laughed with them until I cried. They've annoyed me a few times & pissed me off a couple of times. Both for about 30 seconds because whatever it was that annoyed me just wasn't worth holding onto. Even if they hated my guts & gave me a really mean nickname (which maybe I have - just sayin'), they love my husband and they love my kids so NOTHING ELSE SHOULD MATTER.

Now for the other kind of In Laws. The kind that married my siblings. We went to Azzi's 4th Bday party the other day. My SIL's entire family was also there. Sort of a family reunion. You know what is awesome? We all love Azzi & had a party together. My kids love Renee's little brother & had fun with him. But they've been having fun with Renee's little brothers for years. Renee's family is fun & kind. We blend well but you know what's actually important? Renee loves my brother. She is a fantastic mom of my nieces. She loves my kids. Is there more?

My Tate has a best friend. His best friend is his cousin Adler. Adler is far away right now but it doesn't seem to matter much to his perception of Best Friend. I'm not sure that these little kids know the difference between Friend and Cousin because to them they are the same. Adler's Dad is awesome. I mean, he's Josh so... By the time that kid was in 4th grade, girls were asking me "Oooohhhhh. Are you Josh Matson's sister?" Luckily for Adler & Cooper, they have an equally awesome Mom. And we can hang out with her family, too. It's easy to do if you just realize that you all love the same people. Again, the most important thing about Honi to me is that she loves my baby brother and she loves my nephews. And she loves my kids.

You know who my boys also really like to hang out with? MY BIL. He married my sister. That's a lot of pressure. She has 2 older brothers, plus Jake, she's the baby. And she has pretty high expectations, too. He's freaking awesome. I'm not kidding. He's a great example. He puts up with all of our crazy. His family is cool to hang out with, too. When we were in So Cal we went to Disneyland with his brother and his brother's wife. It's weird to try to put labels on these people because we just consider them part of our extended family. I'm sorry to be repetitive but I think it bears repeating. The only important thing to know about Brad is that he loves my sister, he's a fantastic Dad & he loves my kids.

Every family has quirks. There's always someone that is annoying that day or hard to figure out or makes questionable choices or says something mean. There's a lot of stuff that we can put in the way of the really important stuff. Sometimes it is hard to put things into perspective. I get that. What I don't get is not stepping back a couple of steps to gauge what our priorities should be and who are priorities should be.

The other day I called Jake's brother to ask a favor from him for my brother. Not for one second did I think that Jeremy would hesitate to help. And he didn't.

I'm not sure that there are any In Laws here. Just family- in all its crazy, interesting, extended coolness.

What Not to Do at a Public Beach

Going to a public beach, you expect some crazy. Going to a public beach on an unusually warm day in the Bay Area (aka Land of Fruits & Nuts), you expect some crazy. Going to a public beach the week of a holiday, you expect some crazy. Crazy can be fun. Weird can be interesting. Crazy weird is sometimes awesome.

Here's what we learned we Do Not like to see, smell or hear while at the beach.

#1 - Babies crying. I know. We weren't on an airplane or other confined space so it wasn't that bad. Unless you are me in which case it was awful. The poor sad baby hated the beach or the wind or the stroller or the front pack or the sibling or the sound of waves or the sound of dogs or the smell of campfire smoke. I do not know what was making that baby cry (for hours). Worse, the Mom didn't seem to know either. If it had been a plane, I would have taken the baby & tried to figure it out. Marching across a football field length of sand to ask a stranger if I could make her baby stop crying seemed like a bad idea. Here's my tip - no matter how much your other kids are enjoying the sand (or the cliff, see #2), no matter how far you drove to get to the beach or the pain in the rear it was to pack for the day, please leave if it makes your baby freak out. Not because your crying baby was making me have anxiety and/or a broken heart but because it's clear that the situation is not working for your baby and you should listen to what your baby is trying to tell you. 

#2 - If my 14 year old son (yes, male child), notices when your children are running around in a potentially dangerous situation unattended and feels like he should intervene, you might be neglecting to properly supervise your children. Males are not really known for noticing when small people are doing something they ought not be doing. (For instance, the time a 2 year old wandered into our house & my son sent him back out of the house in the same unattended state he arrived in.) Ever been to a NorCal beach? Cliffs. Big ones. I get that little boys should be able to run free but I think that should end at the bottom of a cliff. We watched 2 little boys, under 4 years old, climb up and down the cliff, for a good portion of the day. Since our EZ-up was blocking the view of the parents of the kids, I know that they couldn't see them. Not to mention the fact that there was an ocean there. If teenage boys are worried about your kids' safety, you're not paying attention. 

#3- Chain smoking is bad for you - even outside. Chain smoking exactly upwind from me is rude and annoying. Worse, chain smoking while knowing your smoke is flying directly into my face & then smirking about it is more annoying and even ruder. 

#4 - Making a fire on the beach is sometimes against the rules. Check the rules about making fires before you light a giant smoking mess. I guess smoke of various sorts doesn't bother you (see #3), but it bothers me & all of the other people that your smoke was trying to suffocate. When people break out their inhalers in clear view of you and your smoking mess, maybe you should move said smoking mess to the side where there aren't a ton of people. But smirking about it is, this is redundant, rude and annoying. How you know that you were out of line is when the older person of your party returns and tells you to move your smoking mess away from the rest of us. 

#5 - Are you an idiot? Here is what we overheard in relation to a sign about fire danger. "Fire danger must be really high. It is a 7 out of a 4." Uh, what that actually means is that the date the sign is referring to is July (7) Fourth (4). Fire danger is never listed in the form of an improper fraction. I'm guessing that you do not know what an improper fraction is. 

#6 - A beach populated with children is not a good place for you to lay completely on top of another person, top to bottom. No matter how cold you are. Bring a sweatshirt next time. 

#7 - Here's another tip when going to the beach. Bring a bathing suit. Or extra clothes. Or wear underwear that are a dark color if you plan on wearing them in the water. (Please don't plan on wearing your underwear in the water. Please.) Tightie whities are not appropriate swim wear. (Poking my mind's eye out right now. Again.) I can do better. I took a picture. It has to be deleted from iphoto right away which is pretty much why I'm writing this blog today. I've been threatened with the deletion of the photo sooner rather than later. Just be glad that I didn't crop it and make that guy in his see through underwear any closer to your eyes.

#8 - There are leash laws. I know, I know. Your dog is your baby or whatever. Do you let your human baby run around pooping on the sand and eating random stranger's food off of their plates? I hope not. Leash laws apply to small dogs as well as big dogs. Some kids are afraid of dogs. Some people are allergic to dogs. Letting them run around while you sit on your fat a**, is well....rude and annoying. And potentially dangerous. Of course your baby would never bite anyone but just in case someone else's baby might bite your baby could you please keep your baby under control? The only thing that made it bearable is that your babies ate the food off of the plates of #4. All of that smoke making just went to feed your baby. I hope your little furry, sandy, unmannered baby isn't allergic to shrimp. 

If only I could come up with a #9 and #10. Maybe they should be What To Do at a Public Beach.

#9 - Think about the comfort and enjoyment of other people as much as you think about your own comfort and enjoyment. 

#10- Watch your kids. The furry and non-furry. The ocean and its cliffs can be dangerous. Also, some of us can't help but watch and worry about your kids. See #9. 

PS - When the kids around you have spent an entire day digging holes and trenches in the sand, you may want to watch where you are going when playing catch. I would feel badly about that except your little furry babies were....rude and annoying. 

Same Team

This post has actually been rattling around my brain all week but I am lazy so I didn't write it. Much of this will end up being in response to a blog post going around today from a woman who is having twins and because of this feels she has "ruined her family". I read the post after it was shared on facebook, expecting to feel some empathy for this woman and to find that her post was not as bad as the title made it sound.
Let's start with what I was feeling earlier in the week when this topic started its rattling. When little kids are on a soccer field playing bunch ball or even when older kids are playing but not communicating well with the other players on the team, coaches and other adults on the sideline often yell "SAME TEAM". Two simple words that have a wealth of meaning. Spread out. Pass the ball. Communicate with your teammates. These other people sharing your uniform are Your People. Be a part of the greater Whole and you can reach your goals so much better than if you try to reach them alone.
I have yelled the same thing at my kids when arguments among them start to be more than a discussion - SAME TEAM. This family is a team but more importantly they are a team. At some point, we, their parents will not be here and even while we are, we are not in the same stage of life as them. As they age, I think that they will need each other more than they need either Jake or I. I want more than I want almost anything for them to be careful with each other that they do nothing that will cause one another enough hurt to break up the team. A team without chemistry doesn't win. A team with factions within it cannot win.
When Tanner was a toddler, it was important to me that we make him a brother. Part of that is because I feel apart from my siblings. Dan is 4 years younger than me and is a boy and is, well, Dan. And then, he got Josh anyway. I love my sister & even when she was born and I was 8 1/2, I was excited and loved her. But I am apart. Partly because of age difference and also partly because my personality is so much more of a caretaker than anything else. Then I got married young & started having kids while they were still either in high school or not even in high school. For Tanner, I wanted so much for him to have a brother close to him in age. I crave babies like other people crave chocolate but more than I wanted another baby, I wanted him to have a brother. Yes, it did occur to me that it could have been a sister. I still wanted one close in age to him. He got both. And then they all got Kaleb. I have ended up with one isolated in age from his sibs, which I don't think is optimal but there are things that are not within my control. This is very much about the Big Four.
At the beginning of the week, Tanner, Chloe and Kaleb took a little road trip down to Santa Barbara & had a ton of fun. Goofing off, going to the beach, hitting some goodwill stores for silly stuff, they had fun. Chase was gone for a week to So Cal with friends so he missed out on that but had his own fun trip. I love that they are willing to hang out together. Tanner deserves a ton of credit for being the kind of big brother that he is. Rarely has he expressed annoyance with the younger kids. He includes them, hangs out with them, misses them when he's gone. I feel like my team building exercises have paid big dividends. SAME TEAM.
Within our team, we have the twin team. They may be at a stage where they are often annoyed with one another but they are still on the same team. When they were small and Chase would go somewhere without Chloe, she would soon start to ask where he was and when he would be home. Neither liked it when the other was gone too long. The day before Chase got home from this trip, she quietly asked "when is Chase going to be home?" and admitted, also quietly, that she did sort of miss him. There will always be the Twin Thing with them & it is something rare and precious. Only 2% of the population are twins in the US.
I didn't find out that I was having twins until I was 20 weeks. I hadn't had the ultrasound to date my pregnancy since I was pretty darn sure when it had started. At 20 weeks, the ultrasound showed both babies. A boy and a girl. The girl was usually kicking the crud out of the boy on ultrasounds but that is a different story. My first reaction was certainly not WOO HOO. I first thought about someone very close to me who was having trouble getting just one baby. How painful was this going to be? It didn't seem fair to me and it surely was going to be crushing for her. I also decided I needed a bigger car. The Civic just wasn't going to hold three car seats. Those of you who know me are not surprised that the new car was one of the first things I thought of but that, too, is a different story. Here are the scary thoughts that flooded - what are the chances they will be born too early? if they are born too early, how will we deal with that emotionally? what are the chances of complications during pregnancy? during delivery? if born too early, what are the odds that they will end up healthy?
And the more practical questions - how much more is this pregnancy/birth going to cost us? Double clothes, diapers, car seats, swings, bouncy seats, diapers... (yes, I said diapers twice. Have you ever had 3 kids in diapers?)
Of course I wondered how Tanner would handle it. I should have wondered more how I would handle it because Tanner took to the older brother thing like a Pro while mothering twins is NOT a piece of cake. I was no longer able to work and there were a lot of medical bills from a complicated, high-risk pregnancy. Financially for us, it was a killer. Emotionally, it was Hard. With a capital H. It never occurred to me that I had "ruined my family". What I had done was get Tanner a little brother. And a little sister.
As I read through this woman's post, I understand the panic and stress. I understand the worry. As you look at things long term, though, I wonder a few things. Would any of my kids trade one of their siblings for a trip to Disney? The writer of the post says that they have "dreams" like all families do. Like going to Disney. Sending their kids to college. Would Tanner trade one of his brothers for the chance that we could pay for him to go to college rather than just help him as much as we can? Would Kaleb trade Chase for the chance to travel Europe? (That's my dream and I wouldn't trade any of my kids or my siblings for that chance.) Would Chloe trade Chase for the amount of attention that I had to pay him that, then conversely, she didn't get as an infant? Would any of them trade Tate to pay for one of their "dreams"?
Do they feel like we don't have the money to do all of the things that all of the other kids do? I'm sure that they do. I'm sure that that feeling is sometimes worse and more frustrating than other times. Does that mean that they would be willing to lose a member of their team to overcome this stress and frustration? I often feel guilty that I cannot provide for them all of the dreams life dreams up. I feel like I could work harder, do better, go without more personally but I don't feel like I ruined my family by having more kids than monetarily practical.
Being pregnant with twins was a surprise. Being pregnant with twins was painful and expensive. Mothering them was so much harder than anyone without multiples can imagine. Mothering them while struggling with depression was excruciating. I know how that woman feels, I do, to the point that I understand how you could feel that way. She ends her post by saying that she is sure that they will love these babies in the same way that they love their 3 year old son but that she is having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I often have trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, too. The thing is - my kids are the light IN the tunnel. I was sure that I loved them from the moment I knew of their existence. I was sure that no matter the way they got here, in what order, how much pain, terror, stress, craziness has been involved along the way - at every point, I have known and continue to know that they are what lights my tunnel allowing me to see that there is an end at all. I have faith that they will be the lights in each others' tunnels. They will be the hand holds on the climbs, the harnesses to catch each other as they fall and the ropes that will pull each other out of the inevitable quicksand they will find in their tunnels.
Two words are all it takes to convey to them what I want them to be. They know exactly what I mean. SAME TEAM.

Father's Day & all that jazz - or Rock - as the case may be

All day facebook has been full of Father's Day posts. All day I've wondered what I can add to the lovey dovey happy fb Father's Day Super Dad posts. A couple of hours ago, I left my Dad jamming with my oldest 3 boys in the Matson Music Room - guitars, microphones, amps & all. Pretty sure he gets the Coolest Papa award the same way he's always been the coolest Dad around town.

Here's a few things I've learned from my Dad:

A person can be both oober cool and good. By good, I mean righteous. My Dad may not look like your average run of the mill Mormon man. His hair is a little bit long. Facial hair, too. He uses Grateful Dead songs as teaching aids in Sunday School. At one point, he even had an earring. With all of that being said, though, he has never, ever been anything other than a great example of righteous living. He doesn't view being obedient to the commandments as a restrictions but as a way to be free of all of the junk that holds us back when we're not.

I guess the above also taught me that judging a person's worth or worthiness based on appearance is a stupid thing to do.

You can be angry and even scary without ever raising your voice. Ask anyone who has ever seen my Dad mad. It doesn't happen often but when it does....not good. Not loud, but not good either.

Sometimes to take care of your family, you go to a job you don't love and work with people you like even less. I'm not saying he never liked his job or the people he worked with - I'm sure that there were some redeeming qualities in both. I am saying that all of the "love what you do" stuff is maybe overstating it. Sometimes, we have to do stuff we can tolerate in order to do the right thing. He took care of us - always. Still.

If you want your children to love their Mother and more importantly respect her, treat her with love and respect. If there's one thing that will make my Dad mad, it's messing with my Mom. I've seen a lot of kids who don't have Dads or who have Dads that are losers or worse. Worst thing of all is how they treat the kids' Moms. And then kids treat their Mom the same way. We had a great example of respect and love. There's no way to overstate how important that is.

My Dad had an interesting childhood. That is one way of putting it. There are a lot of people who have had interesting childhoods and families that use it has an excuse. To make bad choices. To treat people badly. To be angry. My Dad has always taken care of the members of his family that needed it. Over the years, he's cleaned up messes that weren't his and shouldered burdens that maybe should have been shouldered by someone else. This is just how it is. What it is. How it works. Maybe people have pissed him off but I have never seen it. I have only seen single minded dedication to family.

I read all of the fb posts and know that there are some well loved Dads out there. I love mine, too, and am grateful for all of the lessons. But mine just jammed with my 3 boys in his own music studio surrounded by a mural depicting rock and roll greats. Who is the coolest? Still my Dad.

Maybe I broke my kids or we have a genetic disorder

I recently had a melt down that was set off by several factors. Full trash cans being passed by several times over the course of a day - or two. Dinner being eaten and then the eaters are just *poof* gone, like they were never there except for the dirty dishes. Asking someone to clean a bathroom, being told the bathroom had been cleaned and then seeing the bathroom and realizing that the definition of clean varies. Clothes that had been gathered, sorted, pockets emptied, washed, dried, sorted again dumped onto the floor when there is a perfectly good closet 2 feet away. The dumpers were sitting on their beds either playing video games or looking at individual screens or maybe both. Wiping pee drops off of toilet seats & dribbles on bathroom floors are just not my favorite tasks.

Before going any further, I admit that my clothes spent most of their time on the floor & my closet looks like a bomb went off in there most of the time. Maybe I'm battling an unknown genetic disorder that causes people to throw clean clothes on the floor and then rummage through them in order to find something thus mixing dirty and clean.

A couple of weeks ago, Tate and I sat down and made a chore chart for him. We picked some easy things that he can do (putting away his clothes is one of them. still waiting to see if he has the disorder). He hung his chart in his closet (the Harry Potter Closet that he hangs out in, not in his clothes closet) and we talked about their being some sort of monetary reward for when he checks off all of the boxes. He wants -you'll never guess- more legos. (The Danes are clearly brilliant.)

After the above-mentioned melt down, I made chore/expectation charts for each of the big kids. I had thought that maybe we had grown out of the need for chore charts. Having assigned nights for cleaning the kitchen often backfires when there is a sporting event or practice, church stuff starts early for some reason or there's an extra amount of homework. (at this point I could say something about the kids that that would never apply to because some kids seem to really not care but I won't because that seems mean)

Apparently, my liberal use of chore charts over many years has made it so my kids only react to a chart, a written list (usually in sharpie) or a screaming, frothing madwoman. They're broken & the only way to fix it is to post charts in their rooms and on the fridge. This also helps Dad know who should be doing what when. Guess we'll see how it works. I also said that I'm not gathering dirty clothes to wash, they need to bring them down to the laundry room Tuesday nights & Saturday mornings. It's Tuesday, right? Unless they did that while I put Tate to bed, I think tomorrow is going to be laundry free because I didn't remind anyone.

I may need hourly reminders tomorrow not to go around gathering the piles of dirty clothes that have been growing since Sunday. I'm not trying to be SuperMom. I just want to keep the screaming & frothing at bay and maybe make them so their college roommates and future spouses don't want to strangle them with their bare hands.

PS. There's not enough kids in that scene. I want credit where credit is due.

Oh the sights you will see~

Oh the places you'll go and then want to never go again.
Oh the things you will hear that you will wish you hadn't.
Oh the sights that you'll see, then erase immediately.

Should I rank the sights and sounds of the day based on how bad they were or just go in chronological order? Warning: there will be bad words.

First stop: the bank. Banks sometimes feel like libraries, don't they? They're generally quiet & the people in them are serious. Is it just me? I left home feeling great that I got to run errands alone after a week of being cooped up sick or with sick kids. And then I stood in line at the bank with a little boy and his mom. He looked like he was between 8 and 10. They were having a conversation about valentines which went like that this:
Mom - "Did you get me a valentine?"
Kid - "What? A what? Am I getting you a valentine?"
Mom - "I'm the girl so you get me the presents."
Kid - something like "forget it. you get me presents."
blah blah blah & I tuned out until I heard her call her kid a 'pain in the ass'. Ok, that's a little harsh & pretty rude to say in the bank line. She wasn't done. She actually called her kid a dick. Yes. That is not a typo or spelling error. Also, I think a smart ass at some point during their bank visit but after the D word, anything else not starting with F probably went in one of my ears and out the other.
Good Job, Mom in the Bank. You're teaching your son some super vocab lessons & he's probably not going to go looking for ways to feel better about himself that will probably damage himself or others. Mom in the Bank gets a Super Mom Award.

Next stop: Walmart. I know what you're thinking. You should expect all manner of crazy at Walmart. There are websites and youtube videos based on that premise. True and the Walmart in Rocklin today seemed to be populated with young adult weed smokers. I think all of their parents kicked them out of basements all over the area today & told them to buy their own snacks. And booze. It was a routine freak show until I got to the register and stood in line between a Mom, her daughter and her daughter's teenage boyfriend. I'd guess 16-17. Teenage Boy was in warmup pants. Teenage Girl had some kind of tiara and sash on over her jeans & t-shirt. I have no idea what was up with that. I didn't have the brain power to eavesdrop & figure out the tiara and sash because Teenage Boy had his hands (both of them) down the front of this pants the ENTIRE time we were in line. Honestly, I'm still stunned into wordlessness.

Teenage Boy, Teenage Girl & BoobJob Mom left & as I was putting my stuff up on the thing, a lady walks up behind me with a thing of soda and saltine crackers looking like she might hurl at any moment. Too many times I have crunched a saltine cracker in the (futile) attempt to keep from hurling in a store, car, drive through lane, college class, church, sidewalk, etc. You get the idea & I got her idea at one glance. So I said "Go in front of me." You'd think I offered her a million dollars or a Get Out of Vomit for Free Card. (if only those existed.) Honestly, people, small acts of kindness and mercy should not be shocking, it's depressing.

One more thing, as I pick my 12 pack of Danimals up, I realize there are only 10 Danimals in the package. Yep, some classy Walmart goer stole 2 of the Danimals. I assume that their kids were starving and needed fortification instantly, and Free, while they were in the yogurt section.

Maybe I'm teaching my kids the wrong stuff. Don't call people bad names, keep your hands out of your pants, think of others first and don't steal...just the basics. I thought.