Do you live in my head?

There's a migraine meme that goes around pinterest & instagram that says something like "I want to live, not just survive". Sorry, meme writer, but I'm not even sure this is surviving. Obviously, I'm walking & talking so I'm clearly surviving but inside my head, there's not much movement, I promise. I've decided living in my head is basically like living in The Fire Swamp.

What are the three perils of the fire swamp? Everyone knows this - the flame spurt, lightning sand & Rodents of Unusual Size. Let's start with R.O.U.S. Baby rodents are tiny noises like the sounds that TVs & normal people make. To the rest of you baby rodents are just cute little hamsters or guinea pigs. People pet them & keep them as pets. You know the sound they make. Tap, tap, tap, tippity tap in my brain. Teenage ROUSes are when people get riled up & get loud or turn up their music. Drum, drum, drumming in my brain.  Full grown R.O.U.Ses are places that are loud & full of other stimuli - I know what you're thinking right now - you mean, like movie theaters & concerts. Well, yes. But mostly I mean Red Robin. I haven't bothered with a movie in months. But it isn't just noise - it is lights, smells, movement. It all works into a giant swirling Rodent of Unusual Size inside my brain & it and all of its friends run around on their Unusual sized feet - pounding, pounding, pounding. So much pounding that I can't see, think, hear or feel anything but that.

Flame spurts. Well, those are easy! There is a popping sound that warns of their coming so they can easily be avoided, right? Oh, totally! I mean it is so hard to miss the popping sound what with all of the pounding that's going on by the Rodents of Unusal Size. If I catch the popping sound, and by some random miracle the medications actually work, that's when I've used the flame against the Rodents & set them back to baby size. Tiny feet pounding until they grow. And they always grow.

And the worst peril of all, the one that I can't seem to keep my feet out of & the one that keeps me trapped in The Fire Swamp - the Lightning Sand. If you talk to me, I hear you through the pain. I process your words through pain. If you ask me to do something, I base whether or not I think I will be in too much pain to successfully do the task. Go on a field trip with Tate? I actually like that kind of thing. Can I physically make it through a day? Maybe but the consequences for me at the end of that day and for the next day? Disaster. Do I want tickets for an event in 3 weeks? Dinner in 2 weeks? Vacation in 4 months? Head is spinning, feet are sinking faster into the sand - I cannot plan or commit to anything anymore, my brain does not allow it. I want to process thoughts. I want to make plans. I want to feel happy about things. I want to enjoy events. I want to be excited to go places. If you're reading this right now & thinking "it's just mind over matter or you just have to decide to do it or you can do more than you think" or any of those things - please don't say them outloud. Think about how hard it is to walk through sand - that's how I'm describing THINKING most of the time & moving most of the time.

Lightning sand sucks you under. There's no space for anything else & that's where I am. I try to do all of the things I need to do: the parts of me that aren't Migraine, mom-ing, wife-ing, working, aunt-ing, friend-ing. But I suck at it right now. Seriously, don't pretend. I suck at it because to do anything I have to fight the lightning sand the entire time. That's what my body feels like it is doing. And even thinking requires pushing aside sand, which is sometimes impossible.
It's dark in the Fire Swamp. I'm trying, really, I am. There are days when I feel nothing but the Rodents & the Lightning Sand pulling & it's designed to pull me all the way under. Watch for those who reside in Fire Swamps, I'm sure I'm not the only one.